


lay all your love on me

by seashadows



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Don't copy to another site, Hand Jobs, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe likes terrible romance novels, M/M, Masturbation, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova is a Little Shit, Porn With Plot, Reading Aloud, Sexual Humor, descriptions of OMC/OMC anal sex, in-universe OMC/OMC, warning: there are samples of terrible romance novel-style writing in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:14:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27947366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seashadows/pseuds/seashadows
Summary: “Is this the type of book where he’ll randomly throw in Spanish endearments?”Joe frowned and thumped the nearest throw pillow. “Nicky, seriously!”“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Nicky kissed him again, this time on the mouth. “I’ll be very, very quiet.”(Joe has a weakness for torrid, bodice-ripping romance novels. Nicky doesn't mind.)
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 32
Kudos: 286





	lay all your love on me

**Author's Note:**

> What better title for a fic featuring trashy romance novels than lyrics from an ABBA song? 
> 
> Just warning you now: I went all-out with the terrible romance writing, as in the prose is so purple that one could practically make wine out of it. Caveat lector. (No, the romance novel isn't real.) 
> 
> Thank you very much to certifiedbisexualdisaster and eris/transgoats/Casey for beta-reading!

_“I love you to distraction,” said Fitzjames. His eyes were scorching as he looked up from where he knelt. “I can no longer pretend I do not.”_

_“You’re mad,” Thomas breathed. “You would risk imprisonment for someone like me?”_

_Fitzjames shook his head. His bright cerulean eyes shone like a cloudless sky in the candlelight. “Not just for someone_ like _you. For you,” he said, his melodic accent piercing the air between them. “You enchant me. You’ve saved me. After all we have been through, how could I not risk everything that I have and everything that I am for you?”_

_Thomas felt as if all the air had quite suddenly been pulled from his lungs. He was going to drown in this man’s gaze, as he might have drowned all those months ago when Fitzjames pulled him from the sea. “Get up, Fitzjames,” he said. “What is this foolishness? Do you think a few kisses mean anything at all?”_

_His companion’s mouth tightened to the thinnest of lines. Thomas mourned the loss of those beautifully full lips, a sign of the sun while the rain raged outside. “It wounds me to hear you say that,” Fitzjames murmured, rising to his feet. “What of the ship? What of the men we fought off?”_

_“What of sin?” Thomas countered as Fitzjames came closer and closer. His voice weakened, though he berated himself for a fool. How could he be so weak? How could he have been so blind to his own feelings that he hadn’t noticed when they’d taken root? When he might have stopped them before they grew out of control? “What of the life you might build for yourself if you wed?”_

_“I care not.”_

_“But I do,” Thomas said before he could help himself, “because I care for_ you, _Fitzjames.”_

_Two calloused hands cupped his face, and Fitzjames’s aquamarine eyes swam before him. “Felipe,” came the whisper. “I beg of you, call me Felipe,” and those beautiful lips brushed his._

“Fuck,” said Joe, finally – _finally_ – letting his hand slide down past his waistband.

It had been absolute torture to keep from teasing himself this entire scene, but the author had finally had mercy on him and let those two idiots kiss. The past two hundred pages, he’d thought he would scream as they danced around the fact that they were meant for each other.

He wiggled against the mattress, dislodging his sweatpants just enough that he could let them slide down his hips a little. Then he gave himself the long, slow stroke that he’d been saving for just this moment. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he groaned – his orgasm was always so much better when he teased himself.

 _Their tongues battled for dominance in each other’s mouths. Fitzjames – no,_ Felipe _moaned against Thomas’s parted lips and fisted one hand in his loose hair._ I shall surely die, _Thomas thought,_ or I will wake to find that I’ve been killed and this is my dying dream. _“You mustn’t,” he said, the push of his hand against Felipe’s firm chest a weak protest. “We can’t. If we were to be found…”_

 _“Hang the consequences,” Felipe growled. “I would have myself imprisoned a thousand times if it meant I could be with you always,_ mi amor.”

Christ, he loved feelings. Joe made a fist and ran it languidly up and down his cock. It felt so good that he could see goosebumps pop up on his arm as he pumped his wrist. He would need lube in a few minutes, or whenever he started stroking in earnest, but for now, he luxuriated in the slow roll of his hips and how amazing it felt to turn himself on. With a hum, he let his eyes fall shut for a second or two.

The first part of the book, with its pirate battles and daring rescues and almost-but-not-quite breakup in the rain that had preceded this very scene, had made him cry. Now came the good part, though, and several of his own parts were looking forward to it.

_His accent was as lyrical as a song, somehow as light as a feather and as low as the deepest of drums. “You’ll be the death of me,” Thomas moaned, the heat between his legs roaring to life as though the most skilled of blacksmiths had stoked it –_

“Joe, are you in here?”

Joe made a noise that was absolutely, definitely not a squeal and threw the book to the side. “You – oh, Nicky,” he said, focusing on the person in the doorway. “Yeah, I’m in here. Did you need something?”

“Not urgently.” Nicky gave him a quick once-over, then met Joe’s eyes with a smirk. “Are you busy?”

“Yes,” Joe said, and realized belatedly that not only was his hand still in his pants, but that anyone passing by in the hallway would be able to see it. “Shit. Could you close the door, please?”

Nicky pulled it shut behind him with a nod. “Oh – did you mean that I should close the door while I’m still in the hall?” He appraised Joe again with that particular _look_ , the one that always made Joe tingle. “Or could I stay? It’s your choice.”

Joe licked his lips, considering Nicky’s offer. “Hmm,” he said. Just the thought of Nicky joining in his activities made it very difficult not to start up again in front of him. He could feel his cock pulse under his hand. “Do you want to join in, or are you just going to make fun of me?”

“Why would I do that?” Nicky said. To Joe’s delight, he locked the latch and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I would never make fun of you for touching yourself, Yusuf. You’re a beautiful sight.” He picked up the discarded book. “Is this your inspiration?”

“Yes.” Joe’s cheeks warmed. “That’s not a problem, is it?”

“No, of course not,” said Nicky, and got on the bed next to him, leaning on his elbow as he rolled onto his side facing Joe. “It’s hot.”

God, his eyes were mesmerizing. Joe wasn’t nearly as much a fan of adjectives as romance novelists, but he had to admit that everything about Nicky’s eyes, from the color to his lashes, just made you want to look at them for hours. _He_ certainly had on at least a hundred occasions. No, probably closer to two hundred, and he hadn’t even liked their color when he first met Nicky. “Yeah? Is it?” He squeezed the base of his cock and watched in satisfaction as Nicky’s eyes tracked the movement of his wrist. “Want to watch, Nicky?”

Nicky swallowed. “Very much so,” he said, his voice taking on a very familiar timbre that usually signaled a good time ahead. Joe loved that intimate tone. “But I think you should pick up your book again. It wouldn’t be fair to make you continue without the right reading material.” He stroked over Joe’s belly with the flat of one hand, and then to Joe’s delight, he slid it down his pants and displaced Joe’s hand. With the other, he got the book from his side of the bed and proffered it, spine first. “How about you keep reading for me?”

“ _Um_ ,” said Joe, and took the book. “Just to myself?”

Nicky kissed his shoulder. “Out loud, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t know,” Joe said. He furrowed his brow, pretending to think it over. “Will you keep touching me? I don’t read aloud for just anyone, and I definitely don’t do it for free.”

Nicky replied with a wiggle of his fingers that made Joe shift his hips up for more. “Is this enough payment?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Joe said. “Fuck. Okay.” He settled himself a little more comfortably against the pillows as Nicky adjusted his hand in turn, and opened the book. “Okay. Where was I?”

 _“I rather think that you will be the death of_ me _,” Felipe rejoined. “_ Mi amor _, your clothes are still wet from the rain.” He drew his heated gaze down the length of Thomas’s body, the blue of his eyes nearly eclipsed by his expanding pupils. “I think it would be best if we showed each other what we have both been longing to see.”_

“Wait,” said Nicky, “he’s Spanish?”

Joe bit back a frustrated noise as Nicky’s hand stilled. “Sort of,” he said. “You remember that asshole James FitzJames?”

“The one who defected to France? How could I forget?” Nicky asked. “Wait, this isn’t him, is it? The name is different.”

“No,” said Joe, shaking his head to try to clear out the arousal fog. “This a Regency romance, so I think this guy’s supposed to be the bastard son of…fuck, is it his great-grandson or his great-great-grandson?” Felipe’s ancestry had been trotted out at the beginning of the book, but the narration had focused more on his arrogance and what Thomas thought he might be packing. “Anyway, his mother is a Spanish woman and his father is either one of the dukes or one of their brothers. He spent his first…I think fifteen years in Spain.”

“Oh. That explains the focus on his eye color, then? The contrast between Spanish and English?”

Joe made a mock-disapproving face at him. “What, are you jealous?”

Nicky gently flicked the head of Joe’s cock with the tip of his thumb and Joe swallowed a gasp. “I have no reason to be jealous. How many times have you told me that…what is it? ‘Nicolò, I love your eyes for the light in them, not their color’?” He kissed Joe’s chin. “My artist.”

Joe always had a very hard time staying irritated when Nicky was doing his best to make him melt instead. This time was no exception. “I, uh, I thought you wanted me to keep reading.” Nicky’s hand was frustratingly motionless in his pants.

“I do,” Nicky said. “Is this the type of book where he’ll randomly throw in Spanish endearments?”

Joe frowned and thumped the nearest throw pillow. “Nicky, seriously!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Nicky kissed him again, this time on the mouth. “I’ll be very, very quiet.”

Joe didn’t believe that for a second, but the kiss was enjoyable enough that he started reading again anyway when it ended. Thankfully, the scene started moving quickly after that, and both men were mostly naked in another page and a half. They had also started making out on the nearest bed.

_“You are beautiful,” Felipe breathed. “The sight of your body takes my breath away.”_

_“How can you comment on my looks,” Thomas countered, “when you refuse to stop kissing me long enough to look at me?”_

_Felipe’s cornflower eyes twinkled at him. “I apologize,” he said. “You speak truly. I have neglected to give your body its fair share of attention.” Thomas’s mouth mourned the loss of Felipe’s as the other man moved downwards on the bed, but he quickly forgot any and all other sensations when Felipe’s tongue began to lave_

Nicky moved his hand like _that,_ and Joe interrupted himself with a shout. “Oh my _God!_ Nicky…” 

He could have cried when Nicky stilled his hand again. “Go on, Yusuf,” Nicky said. He adjusted his position so that he lay on his side instead of his elbow, and used his newly-free hand to pat Joe’s belly. “What was his tongue about to lave?”

“H-his nipple,” Joe said. “You could have figured that out.” He was _not_ about to come with a few touches like some teenager, or like he had when he and Nicky came back to each other after spending a year on solo missions in the eighteenth century. He was better than that.

“Mm-hm, and then he laved his nipple and…?” Nicky moved his hand upward and pinched Joe’s own nipple. “Keep reading, _tesoro_. If you don’t, I’ll stop.”

Joe closed his eyes against the sensory overload. “Weren’t you just complaining about the random Spanish endearments, Nicky?”

“The difference between me and this Felipe,” said Nicky, “is that I actually speak Italian when I use Italian endearments. He’s speaking English to Thomas.” He ran a finger in a circle around Joe’s nipple. “I’m not throwing out terms of endearment for literary spice.”

“Snob,” said Joe with a shiver.

Nicky pressed himself against Joe’s side for a second and tucked his head into the crook of his neck. “No, I just value accuracy. Can you open your eyes for me, or do you need to keep them closed a while?”

“No, I’m fine now.” Joe opened his eyes and blinked a few times. “I was at the nipple part, right?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, good.”

_“Oh, God in heaven,” Thomas gasped. He clutched at Felipe’s head and buried his fingers in the silky black locks as Felipe continued on. It was as if he were being suckled, as if he could nourish Felipe this way. The other man used his lips and tongue until Thomas thought there could not possibly be any greater pleasure than this. Then that beautiful dark head moved to pay attention to the other nipple, and Thomas knew he would soon reach the point of no return._

_He pushed Felipe away with more regret than he thought he had ever felt in his life. “Stop!” he insisted. “Do you want me to finish before I’ve even started?”_

_“Certainly not,_ mi corazón _,” Felipe said breathlessly, and licked his lips. “_ Dios mio _, Thomas, do you know what you do to me? I am as hard as steel for you.” He stood up and removed the last of his smallclothes as Thomas watched. His manhood stood proudly from its nest of dark curls, and the sight prompted an answering throb and dampness from Thomas’s own._

“Nicky, are you crying or fucking _laughing?_ ”

Nicky pulled his face out of the pillow, revealing the tears streaming down his flushed cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he managed. “I’m sorry, but – _manhood?_ ” He convulsed with laughter again. “Joe, is the author trying to write every cliché in existence into this book?”

Joe whined, not just in frustration but also in annoyance at the fact that Nicky’s hand had stopped yet again. “Are you trying to tease me to death, Nicolò?”

“No.” Nicky put his hand over his mouth, but another laugh slipped out anyway. “I think that’s Felipe’s job.”

“Do I need to kick you out and go back to doing this solo?” Joe said. “I will if I have to.”

To his credit, Nicky did look sorry. “I’m trying very hard,” he said. “I don’t want to tease you, Joe. You’re doing a really good job reading this for me.” He stroked Joe’s cockhead between his thumb and forefinger. “So good.”

Suddenly, Joe thought it might not be as hard as he’d thought to forgive him. “You, uh. You make a good point. _Shit_ ,” and his voice went high as Nicky moved his fingers again. “I thought you wouldn’t touch me unless I was reading.”

“I don’t mind making a small exception,” Nicky said. “I don’t think I would be able to read as steadily as you’ve been doing.” He pressed the heel of his hand against the base of Joe’s cock and rocked it slowly back and forth. “Do you feel like you’re getting close?”

Joe was tempted to say ‘no’ so that Nicky would keep going. There were two problems with that option, though: one, lying to Nicky would make him feel guilty and completely kill the mood, and two, Nicky hadn’t spent over nine hundred years with him _not_ to be able to tell when he was fudging the truth. “Close enough,” he said. “That feels really fucking good.”

Nicky gave him a very brief, but thoroughly enjoyable, kiss on the mouth. “How much longer does this sex scene go on?”

Joe shrugged. “Not sure because I haven’t read ahead, but I’m guessing a few more pages. Why?”

“I just want to calculate how fast or slow I should go.” Nicky rubbed him again, and Joe let out his breath hard through his nose. “Don’t you think it would be nice if I made you come when they did?”

That had in fact been exactly what Joe was thinking, and the thought was so insanely hot that it nearly made his eyes cross. “I’ll keep reading, then,” he said, and barely succeeded in not moving his hips upward for some more friction. “Right. I think I was at ‘answering throb.’”

The scene moved quickly from the two men staring at and admiring each other’s bodies to a description of a fully naked make-out session that Joe thought would be fun to replicate with Nicky sometime. Then, thank God, Thomas and Felipe got down to business.

_The oil that Felipe brought out was nearly as slick as the sweat between their heaving bodies. “I want you so much,” Felipe gasped as Thomas rubbed a drop between his fingers. It smelled of olives, foreign and enticing. “Do you want me?”_

_“More than anything,” Thomas vowed._

_Felipe grasped his hands in his own. His expression was all passion and fire. “Then have me,_ mi amor. _I want to feel you inside me. I want you to spend yourself inside me until you can no more.”_

“Oh, Felipe is bottoming? I’m surprised. Usually the man with the accent tops in these things.”

“Nicky,” Joe panted, “either shut up and let me finish or get out and let me finish.”

“I apologize, my heart.”

_Thomas took the vial again with hands that shook so much, he could barely believe they were his. Were these the fingers that had so capably handled ship’s ropes, that had fastened on a sword and slain bandits for Felipe’s sake? “Have you done this before, sweetheart?” he asked before he could stop himself. The word tasted sweet as honey in his mouth._

_“Yes,” said Felipe, “but not with you, and that is what matters.”_

_“Tell me what I should do,” Thomas implored, resting a hand on Felipe’s well-muscled belly. “I think I would die if I were to hurt you.”_

_Felipe surged up and kissed him until Thomas could hardly breathe for lack of air. Yet, he thought, he had never felt so alive. “I would never let you hurt me,” he said, and lay back, spreading his legs and drawing up his knees to the side. Thomas’s head spun at the sight of the wanting space between his cheeks. “Oil your fingers, just two. Then put them inside me – but slowly.”_

Nicky had his hand around Joe’s cock in a tightening fist now. “I’m estimating a page or so until they have a simultaneous orgasm.” His flushed cheeks belied his matter-of-fact tone. “Does that sound about right?”

“Fuck…yes, probably.” Joe had no idea how he was still reading. Or, for that matter, still functioning.

“I’ll get you through it.” Nicky kissed his temple. “Try not to come yet, Joe. You’re almost there.”

Shakily, Joe read through the description of Thomas opening Felipe to their mutual satisfaction, as all the while Nicky stroked him until he was making embarrassing sounds from how good it felt. “He’s gonna go in now,” he managed to get out. “It’ll be soon.”

“Good.”

 _Thomas braced his hands on either side of Felipe and slid in slowly. The head of his member had just barely breached Felipe’s entrance when the other man moaned, the cords of his neck standing out and the pupils of his azure eyes almost fully blown out. “Oh, Thomas…_ mi amor, mi cielo, dulzura… _you feel indescribable inside me!”_

“His pupils blew out? Did part of his brain just herniate into – all right, Joe, I’m sorry. Here, does this feel better?”

 _“_ You _feel indescribable,” Thomas said. He pushed forward, and felt Felipe’s inner walls tighten around him as he breached the most private place in his body. “Felipe!” He claimed Felipe’s lips in a deep kiss that might have been violent if not for the surge of love he felt towards him. “How do I feel inside you?”_

_“You feel like all I ever wanted.” Felipe wrapped his legs around Thomas’s waist and drew him ever closer. Thomas moaned as he bottomed out, feeling himself fully enclosed in the welcoming heat of Felipe’s body. “Fuck me, Thomas.” The profane words sent a jolt between Thomas’s legs, making him even harder. “I want to feel your essence inside me.”_

_Thomas was helpless to do anything but obey. He laved Felipe’s neck with kisses that were sure to bruise and gentle licks to make up for them as he moved, first slowly and then faster. Felipe’s length was as hard and hot as a steel rod between them, and Thomas could feel it leaking Felipe’s desire against their bellies with every thrust of his hips._

_“I won’t last much longer,_ mi amor, _” Felipe gasped. “I_ must _come. I can’t hold back!”_

_“Oh, Felipe…” Thomas was in an identical situation, and from the way he throbbed, he was sure Felipe could feel deep inside how close he was. “May I?”_

Joe could feel sweat running down his face. With every sentence, he rolled his hips against Nicky’s hand, and this time, Nicky wasn’t slowing down. “I…I can’t…”

“Mmm.” Nicky kissed both of his cheeks in turn. “Joe, you’re so beautiful like this.”

 _His orgasm – no,_ their _orgasm – rolled over Thomas like an ocean wave, powerful enough to nearly choke him with pleasure. Felipe cried out beneath him, and suddenly there was wetness between them, proof of the pleasure that_

Joe couldn’t take it any longer, and neither could his cock. He bit his lip hard enough to taste blood as he came across Nicky’s hand and all over the inside of his pants. In some lucid part of his mind, he was dimly aware that Nicky was talking, calling him hot and beautiful and so good, but he was too occupied to fully parse what he said.

Then it was over, too quickly, but still long enough to leave Joe a limp mess. “ _Nicky_ ,” he sighed, laying back against the pillows. “God, that was amazing.” He marshaled a little strength into the floppy noodles masquerading as his arms and held them out. “Want to come over here?”

Nicky nodded. “Wow,” he said, and took his hand out of Joe’s pants after a last gentle, loving squeeze. “Those books really do have an effect on you.” He cuddled up in Joe’s arms and rubbed circles on his bare belly with the hand he hadn’t used to get him off. “Or was it me?”

“Both,” Joe said. “Just reading the book would have made me come, but you made it a lot better.” He kissed Nicky’s hair, which smelled like shampoo. “Thank you for doing that for me, Nicolò.”

“It was my pleasure,” Nicky told him. “Thank _you_ for not reading a book about the sheikh and his captive lover or whatever the popular trope is these days. There’s only so much that these authors can mangle with regards to Spanish and Italian culture. In this book and other books, I mean.”

Joe laughed. “That’s my Nicolò, calling out casual xenophobia in English-language romance novels since 2020.” 

Nicky gave his shoulder a lingering kiss; Joe could feel his smile against the skin. “They deserve to be called out. That and part of the scene was clearly transplanted from a heterosexual romance.”

“Most romance novel writers are women,” said Joe. “Hey, speaking of love scenes…” He reached down and satisfied himself that Nicky, as he suspected, was half-hard. “Do you want me to do something about that?”

Nicky sighed. “That feels great,” he said, and moved his hips forward slightly. “I tell you what, why don’t you come take a shower with me? You need one, and you can choose what to do to me there.”

Joe was glad that he had just come, because otherwise his brain would have gone completely offline. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” said Nicky. “But do me a favor, please. I don’t want to hear any adjectives about the color of my eyes or anything else.”

“You don’t have to worry,” said Joe with a chuckle, giving Nicky a kiss before sitting up and running his hands through his hair. That could use a wash, too; he’d knock out two birds with one stone. “My love of the romance genre doesn’t go that far.”

“Thank goodness.” Nicky smiled at him and got off the bed with a spring in his step that was already making Joe think about how to take him apart in the shower. “I do have to admit, though, it was fun while it lasted.”

“It was,” Joe answered, and took off his pants. “Come on, let’s clean me up and get _you_ dirty.”

Nicky’s groan told him that his terrible pun had landed just how he wanted it to. Joe felt his own smile widen. Whatever else might happen the rest of the afternoon, today was going to be a good day.

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on Tumblr as godihatethisfreakingcat, and I would also like an end to casual xenophobia in English-language romance novels. :D


End file.
